Cairns Diary — Day 1

Gooch Richards is a future copywriting legend working for advertising powerhouse BMF. He thought this would be his first foray into the world of Cannes, but thanks to a simple misunderstanding, he's now in Cairns. Making the most of this situation, Richards has decided to stick to the plan and write a diary for Campaign Brief from tropical North Queensland.

I touch down at Cairns International Airport at 5.30pm. I can't tell if there's a palpable excitement in the air, or if it's just the humidity. Either way, I'm thrilled to finally be here. Haven't seen any ad people yet, although one guy on my flight was wearing white linen pants and a pale blue pastel jacket. Pretty sure he was just a knob.

The delegate yellow-top cab whisks me to my digs in the city centre. I ask my driver if there's a buzz around town. He says no. I'm staying at Villa Vaucluse, a quaint, late 20th century hotel owned and operated by one generation of friendly, non-French speaking staff and a couple of drifters. The Mentos-eyed towel elephant on my bed cheers me up after my three-hour flight. No signs of jetlag yet.

The Bundy from the flight is wearing off and I'm late for drinks at Gilligan's. Tuesday is Bogan Bingo and Wet T-shirt Competition night. It's still a balmy 26 degrees, so at least the competitors will be comfortable. 

Cairns Diary — Day 2

Gooch Richards is a future copywriting legend working for advertising powerhouse BMF. He thought this would be his first foray into the world of Cannes, but thanks to a simple misunderstanding, he's now in Cairns. Making the most of this situation, Richards has decided to stick to the plan and write a diary for Campaign Brief, from tropical North Queensland.

The results of last night's wet t-shirt contest at Gilligan's were somewhat controversial. It came down to two eager Swedish backpackers, Sigrid and Lykke. The judges awarded gold to Sigrid, but many were stunned that Lykke's twerking to the Vengaboys classic 'We Like to Party' didn't get her over the line. Personally, I think Sweden was the real winner on the night. 

All of that is but a distant memory, because today I immerse myself in the prestigious Cairns Lions. The excitement alone is enough to power me through my chronic jet lag. 

With a heavy Slavic accent, my cab driver - who out of respect for myself I will now refer to as my chauffeur - asks me three times if I really do want to go to the Cairns Lions. He seems confused, but I reassure him that it's a rite of passage; a pilgrimage every adman must take. He stares at me with dead, soulless eyes. The meter inexplicably speeds up, but the blank receipt when I return to BMF will ease the pain.

I arrive at the Holy Land. The Mecca of Mad Men everywhere.

It's everything I wished for and more. The atmosphere is electric and there's Gold everywhere. It's literally hanging off the place. 

There are so many highlights to choose from, but if forced to pick just one, it would have to be rubbing shoulders with industry giants in the official Cairns Lions marquee. I don't want to sound cliche, but it changed my life in every single way. I'm determined that one day I won't have to blag my way in. 

After all that excitement, I needed something to calm me down. So I took a leisurely stroll down the Cairns Esplanade, which is virtually identical to the Promenade de la Croisette in Cannes.

After my reinvigorating saunter along the shores of the Coral Sea, I decided to pick up a cheeky bottle of cleanskin rosé for $4.90 from First Choice Liquor and retire to Villa Vaucluse for the evening. I've decided to pair my vino with cuisine from a renowned international restaurant called McDonald's. After much consideration, I opted for the Quarter Pounder, or 'Royale with Cheese' for those of you in Cannes. 

Today, I feel like I fully understand my advertising destiny. La vie est magnifique. Tomorrow, I've been invited to swan around on a yacht. I've also been asked to attend a very special screening. What to do? Such is the dilemma of the vibrant metropolis that is Cairns. There's always something on, which means you'll always miss out on something else. 

Now please excuse me, it's Wild West Wednesdays at P.J. O'Brien's. The cowgirls are expecting me. 

Cairns Diary — Day 3

It's 7am and my head is pounding thanks to doing shots of something called Akvavit with a bunch of Scandinavian backpackers. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's bottled directly from the Devil's pipe. I somehow muster the strength to open my laptop. I'm glad I did, because I find out that BMF won a lump of feel good metal for radio at the other Cannes. I can't help but wonder how much of this victory can be attributed to The Gooch's presence around the agency. Probably 90-95%.

This morning's breakfast is courtesy of Chez Zest, Cairns' finest artisanal dining establishment. I order a local delicacy, the pastry boomerang.

I can hardly believe it's already my penultimate day in this vibrant hub of creativity. I've lost track of time since yesterday's Cairns Lions experience, or perhaps I now transcend it.

I head down to Cairns Marina where I've been invited aboard Prawn Star, a local super-yacht chartered out by some media company I don't care about. Everyone's having the time of their lives. The only thing more abundant than the scintillating conversation is the sheer volume of dirty martinis. Today, I'm one of the beautiful people.

After mere minutes back on land, I get the urge to spread my wings. Well, rotor blades. I make my way to Great Barrier Reef Helicopters to enquire about joy flights. There's a $400 group flight and a $1,300 private charter. I remember the words of my boss as he farewelled me just days ago, "Expense everything, Gooch". Personally, I think $1,300 is excellent value. Thanks BMF.

After yet another wonderful day in this glorious city, it's time to relax before tonight's activities. While my esteemed creative peers are sipping $21 cocktails at the Carlton Terrace, The Gooch is knocking back $6 Carltons at the Terrace. Bliss.

Tonight, I'm one of only a few lucky delegates to be invited to a special screening of an art-house film that's singlehandedly changed the industry. Stay tuned, because tomorrow I share my winners 

Cairns Diary — Day 4

I wake up to a phone call at 8am. It's my boss. Turns out that the 'everything' in "Expense everything" doesn't extend to private chopper flights over one of earth's seven natural wonders. As I begin to tell him how beautiful it was, our line mysteriously disconnects.
 
So this is it. The Gooch's Cairns finale. Strap yourselves in, because this is a big one. But before I hit the streets, you need to know about last night's enlightening screening. It was an epic fusion of film and augmented reality. I'm not completely up-to-date with the tech, but myself and the other delegates were handed custom virtual reality goggles, which literally brought the film to life. If it reaches the mainstream, you absolutely must see Jurassic World 3D.

It's back to Chez Zest for a sneaky brunch to start the day. I take a peek at my diary on Campaign Brief. I can only imagine the ad revenue my posts alone are bringing in. You're welcome, Lynchy. 

After brunch, I amble down Cairns' wide streets towards my first destination, the world famous Night Markets. I'm underwhelmed. Probably because it's daytime.

Two of the biggest talking points in Cannes in 2015 are: wearables and virtual-reality. I'm happy to report that Cairns is on-trend with both of these rising technologies. I came across what looks like a normal hat, but if you look closely, you'll see the built-in fly-repelling technology. Seamless design; flawless execution. I hear that Google Cardboard picked up the Grand Prix for mobile this year, which is surprising, considering I was able to make a pair from day two's Quarter Pounder box and my Jurassic World VR goggles.

All this innovation is making me hungry. The French are known for many things; democracy, the metric system, surrendering. But nothing is more famous than their cuisine. C'est Bon is an award-winning restaurant in the heart of Cairns. I don't know how many Michelin stars it has, but Google gives it an unprecedented 4.6 stars. I select the 2-course business lunch, because I'm very important. The Soupe du Jour is divine and the Filet de Boeuf cavorts on my palate like a Moulin Rouge can-can dancer. C'est Bon? Non. C'est magnifique!  

Now for the moment advertising gurus around the globe have been waiting for - the winners of the inaugural Cairns Gold Lions. There aren't many categories in 2015, but something tells me this is the start of something big.

Outdoor

Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication", a point echoed by legendary adman, Leo Burnett, who declared, "Make it simple. Make it memorable. Make it inviting to look at". With that in mind, the Cairns Gold Lion for outdoor is awarded to this street bench. Simple copy; stunning art direction. The lemon yellow is a masterstroke.

 Special Build
 
This was a controversial decision amongst the judges, mainly because none of them could figure out exactly why Captain Cook was performing a Nazi salute. We assume that its purpose is to offend two minorities at once, which it does. Gold.

 The judges were blown away by this innovative installation at Cairns City McDonald's. Create Your Taste allows patrons to customise their burgers via groundbreaking touchscreen technology. You can even order a 'brioche-style' bun, which I'm assured is somewhat like an actual brioche bun.

Viral
 
After a quick visit to the Cairns Sexual Health Service, the judges are impressed by the herpes and genital warts campaigns. But Cairns isn't called the Chlamydia capital of Queensland for nothing. A round of applause for the clap. Congrats to all involved.
 
Well, my time in Cairns has come to an end. What a ride. If Queensland is beautiful one day, perfect the next, then every day after that is serendipitous. I didn't believe in outer-body experiences prior to this journey, but the Cairns Lions has a tendency to change the way people perceive the world. 
 
On the way to the airport, I command my chauffeur to make one last stop. The Gooch needed some metal of his own - a couple of Can Golds. Admittedly, I had to pay for these, which is something that would never, ever happen in Cannes...

Until next year,
Gooch