I wake up to a phone call at 8am. It's my boss. Turns out that the 'everything' in "Expense everything" doesn't extend to private chopper flights over one of earth's seven natural wonders. As I begin to tell him how beautiful it was, our line mysteriously disconnects.
So this is it. The Gooch's Cairns finale. Strap yourselves in, because this is a big one. But before I hit the streets, you need to know about last night's enlightening screening. It was an epic fusion of film and augmented reality. I'm not completely up-to-date with the tech, but myself and the other delegates were handed custom virtual reality goggles, which literally brought the film to life. If it reaches the mainstream, you absolutely must see Jurassic World 3D.
It's back to Chez Zest for a sneaky brunch to start the day. I take a peek at my diary on Campaign Brief. I can only imagine the ad revenue my posts alone are bringing in. You're welcome, Lynchy.
After brunch, I amble down Cairns' wide streets towards my first destination, the world famous Night Markets. I'm underwhelmed. Probably because it's daytime.
Two of the biggest talking points in Cannes in 2015 are: wearables and virtual-reality. I'm happy to report that Cairns is on-trend with both of these rising technologies. I came across what looks like a normal hat, but if you look closely, you'll see the built-in fly-repelling technology. Seamless design; flawless execution. I hear that Google Cardboard picked up the Grand Prix for mobile this year, which is surprising, considering I was able to make a pair from day two's Quarter Pounder box and my Jurassic World VR goggles.
All this innovation is making me hungry. The French are known for many things; democracy, the metric system, surrendering. But nothing is more famous than their cuisine. C'est Bon is an award-winning restaurant in the heart of Cairns. I don't know how many Michelin stars it has, but Google gives it an unprecedented 4.6 stars. I select the 2-course business lunch, because I'm very important. The Soupe du Jour is divine and the Filet de Boeuf cavorts on my palate like a Moulin Rouge can-can dancer. C'est Bon? Non. C'est magnifique!
Now for the moment advertising gurus around the globe have been waiting for - the winners of the inaugural Cairns Gold Lions. There aren't many categories in 2015, but something tells me this is the start of something big.
Outdoor
Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication", a point echoed by legendary adman, Leo Burnett, who declared, "Make it simple. Make it memorable. Make it inviting to look at". With that in mind, the Cairns Gold Lion for outdoor is awarded to this street bench. Simple copy; stunning art direction. The lemon yellow is a masterstroke.
Special Build
This was a controversial decision amongst the judges, mainly because none of them could figure out exactly why Captain Cook was performing a Nazi salute. We assume that its purpose is to offend two minorities at once, which it does. Gold.
The judges were blown away by this innovative installation at Cairns City McDonald's. Create Your Taste allows patrons to customise their burgers via groundbreaking touchscreen technology. You can even order a 'brioche-style' bun, which I'm assured is somewhat like an actual brioche bun.
Viral
After a quick visit to the Cairns Sexual Health Service, the judges are impressed by the herpes and genital warts campaigns. But Cairns isn't called the Chlamydia capital of Queensland for nothing. A round of applause for the clap. Congrats to all involved.
Well, my time in Cairns has come to an end. What a ride. If Queensland is beautiful one day, perfect the next, then every day after that is serendipitous. I didn't believe in outer-body experiences prior to this journey, but the Cairns Lions has a tendency to change the way people perceive the world.
On the way to the airport, I command my chauffeur to make one last stop. The Gooch needed some metal of his own - a couple of Can Golds. Admittedly, I had to pay for these, which is something that would never, ever happen in Cannes...
Until next year,
Gooch