This potion was fermented in the cellar of TOOL frontman, Maynard James Keenan. Being a prodigious rock god wasn’t enough for MJK, so he decided to plant some vines in the harsh terrain of Northern Arizona and name the vineyard after a pubic hair wig.

My apologies to any Beliebers out there, but only TOOL fans will understand this tasting Eulogy.

After observing the wine's deep crimson colour, I was expecting to be punched in the face with a Stinkfist of aromas, however the nose was fairly restrained. I took my first sip after a brief Intermission of approximately Forty Six & 2 minutes - the perfect opportunity to Jerk Off.

Initially the palate is meaty and tannic, exhibiting cassis, cherry jam, black pepper and tobacco. An undertow of developed, Vicarious characters follow, which are indicative of the seven years this elixir has spent inside its glass sarcophagus. Like the after effects of an AEnema, the finish is dry and hot.

I felt Cold and Ugly before drinking this satisfying Opiate, but now I’m feeling pretty Rosetta Stoned - definitely not Sober. Staring at the empty bottle, I can’t help but think it’d make a good defensive weapon against a Hooker with a Penis trying to force me into Prison Sex. Upon Reflection, this scenario is highly unlikely, considering it hasn’t happened to me yet in the 10,000 Days or so that I've been alive.

Drink with mates, not tools.